Pushpavalli Revisited: The Dark Side of Limerence – Part 1

Warning: Spoilers for Pushpavalli (Season 1 and 2) and Crazy Ex-girlfriend (all seasons)

If you haven’t watched Pushpavalli yet, give it a try. And if you are a part of the small yet dedicated fanbase, you’re at the right place. Hopefully, this article will serve as something to chew on until Pushpavalli season 3 comes out. (Come on, Sumukhi!)

I keep revisiting this show from time to time because it speaks to me. Not because I condone Pushpa’s actions, but I understand her motivations, thanks to my own convoluted patterns of thinking. And each time I watch it, I am amazed at how Pushpavalli masterfully depicts the strange phenomenon of limerence.

Limerence is love gone rancid, and that is what Pushpavalli is all about – whether the writers intended it or not.

A Quick Definition of Limerence

Limerence is an altered mental state, characterized mainly by intense infatuation. Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979, limerence is described as an initial period of elation, followed by intense emotional highs and lows, and finally culminating into obsession.

Finally culminating into obsession. Now, why does that sound familiar?

Wait, Limerence? Isn’t Pushpavalli a Stalker Story?

The name Pushpavalli means creeper in Tamil and Kannada, and appears to be a nod to the protagonist’s obsessive stalking. And because of this, the show has often been compared to Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, mainly by people who haven’t seen it.

Yes, both shows involve a female protagonist, the whole moving-cities-for-a-boy storyline, and bad decisions. Despite that, the two shows have significant differences.

Rebecca’s “craziness” is an array of symptoms that point to deep, underlying mental illness. That character is not neurotypical, and even receives a BPD diagnosis later on. The writers connect her irrationality and impulsivity to her disorder, and that is that I guess?

But when we first meet Pushpa, she is pretty much…normal. She is an intelligent college student with friends, subject knowledge, street smarts, and opinions. And she’s so much fun!

But, she doesn’t know it, or believe it.

Harangued by a judgmental mother, no father figure, and low self-esteem, Pushpa seems to be blind to her own potential. That is, until bhindi guy comes around. And Pushpa slowly goes from a normal girl to a limerent, obsessed zombie.

Let us now put Pushpavalli under the microscope and understand how it examines every aspect of limerence.

The ‘Glimmer’: The First Hope

Season 1 begins with Pushpavalli’s PG life in Bangalore, and we see flashbacks of her first meeting with Nikhil.

She doesn’t really care about him, even thinks that he is stupid. She doesn’t even seem to notice his supposed good looks, until her friend points it out. He is just another person.

Until, this happens.

After the first interaction and more, Pushpa concludes that this guy might “mean something.” He is constantly impressed by her intelligence, shrewdness, and sense of humor. He even keeps complimenting her and giving her side hugs, something which Pushpa has never experienced before.

And to add a dash of seasoning to the mixed signal salad, he also casually mentions long-distance relationships before he leaves.

Yikes.

The damage is done, the seeds of hope are planted, and every cell in Pushpa’s being now has only one goal: recreate this warm, fuzzy feeling.

This feeling is what limerence analysts call “glimmer”, the tipping point.

Glimmer Glimmer, Dopamine River

Dorothy Tennov’s book “Love and Limerence” explains glimmer through a series of interviews with real sufferers of this condition. But, the best definition of glimmer comes from the blog ‘Living With Limerence.’

“An ultrafast connection is made that links all the various pieces of sensory input (physical appearance, body language, scent, tone of voice, laugh etc.) and triggers an response: physiological arousal.”

Dr. L, Living With Limerence

This is where an ordinary person becomes a limerence object, or LO. Tennov calls this person an “object” because the limerent isn’t actually focused on them. Rather, they are immersed in a fantasy they created around this person to satisfy their own needs.

The LO then becomes the focal point of the limerent person’s energy, thoughts, and actions. The initial glimmer is more than just a good feeling. It is more than the dopamine rush you get after your morning chai and number two.

It is the beginning of a destructive, obsessive path.

How Pushpavalli Nails The Dangers of Glimmer

“Lee, I couldn’t have survived this conference without you.”

With Nikhil’s constant positive affirmation, Pushpa’s brain goes, “Huh, I am not so unlovable after all.” For the first time in her life, she feels like she succeeded in getting the attention of someone ‘out of her league.’ Nikhil’s overly friendly friendliness doesn’t help either.

“Maybe we are a thing.” Sigh. Why did you have to get her hopes up, bhindi man?

As the show progresses, the writers cleverly insert a flashback at the beginning of every episode. This reminds the audience that Pushpa is always trying to recreate what she felt during that fateful food conference.

After each flashback, we cut to the present, where this once-normal girl is jeopardizing her own life by chasing a high. And we know why.

Wait, Isn’t This Just a Crush?

Oh, how limerents wish their intense emotional agony would fade away like a crush.

To understand this, let us look at a parallel storyline – Pankaj and his crush on Swati in season one.

Whatever Pankaj feels for Swati is 100% real, but it doesn’t consume him. I mean, he still goes on dates (one of which Pushpa ruins with the mini-boob story, wtf was that?) And when it is revealed that Nikhil and Swati are ‘a thing’, Pankaj is disappointed. But doesn’t go out of his way to manipulate the situation. He just takes it in his stride, like most people do anyway.

So, why doesn’t Pushpa react the same way?

Because she doesn’t have a ‘crush’ on Nikhil. She needs him to satisfy a deep psychological need. She constantly monitors signals from him and goes through intense emotional highs and lows throughout this process.

Uh, Why Doesn’t Pushpavalli Just Tell Him?

Short answer: Because there is too much to lose

If you’ve never experienced excruciating limerence, you will find it hard to understand why Pushpa doesn’t confess her feelings. But if you have, 1) I empathize with you 2) You know it is anything but easy.

Disclosing limerence is impossible, there is too much to lose. With a deep-seated psychological need to keep the glimmer alive, rejection and non-reciprocation is equal to death.

Yes, that is how our brains connect the dots. A bit stupid, isn’t it?

Bits & Crumbs May Make Me Dumb, But Rejection Will Absolutely Kill Me

Look at Pushpa’s actions throughout season 1, and observe the pattern of “finding little crumbs of reciprocation but frantically avoiding rejection.”

• Every meeting is made to look like a chance meeting to avoid looking like a despo.
• When Nikhil sets boundaries, she thinks it is yet another rejection and lies about her birthday.
• Steal his dog, so you can meet him again when you help with the “search.”
• Break leg to get sympathy.

In season 2, Nikhil straight up asks her, “Why didn’t you just tell me directly?” Embarrassed, Pushpa confesses that she feared rejection on the basis of her looks. (I don’t blame her, with all the body-shaming from her mother.) But when Niceguy Nikhil explains it isn’t always about looks and she is worthy of love, the glimmer resurfaces.

Boom! Emotional high. Happy chemicals overload.

We see a flashback of all the “aww” side hug moments, followed by a cringeworthy fantasy of her and Nikhil’s engagement. Pushpa even abandons her revenge plan for a while, until T-boi bursts her bubble.

The video of Nikhil and Dr. Probably-doesn’t-have-any-friends smashing faces makes her crash. When she hits this emotional low, she quickly goes back to her revenge plan, but charged with even more anger. She recalls Nikhil’s angry monologue, Vasu’s taunts, and Pankaj’s bitter words. She vividly replays the making out scene where Nikhil smiles impishly at her, as if to say, “Kata na tera? Kata na?”

Annnnnd….crash! Happy chemicals gone, SOS alarm on.

(You see how the high-low cycle continues, and there is no relief?)

Pushpavalli’s Person Addiction

If you are into psychology like I am, you might say, “Isn’t this pattern similar to addiction? High followed by withdrawal?”

Yes, it is, which is why some people refer to limerence as person addiction. If the person is around, the addict is fine for a while – yet she keeps wanting more. Take the person away, and you get a nasty withdrawal.

In both cases, there is no true fulfilment.

When is Pushpa the happiest? Is it when she is around Nikhil? No. She is only happy in two situations:

1. Making (mammoth) efforts to get close to the limerent object – tracking him with calls, orchestrating chance meetings, and going through with her plans.
   
2. When her brain picks up the signal, “The feeling of love is mutual,” even though it is a delusion.

The Final, Clear Rejection And The Feeling of Doom

“There is no talking to her again. There is no meeting her again.”

When the world ends, nothing matters. And to a limerent, rejection from the LO feels like the end of the world.

The penultimate scene in season 1 shows Pushpa crying on Nikhil’s doorstep after getting slapped in the face with a clear rejection. Devastated, she laments about how Nikhil led her on. She explains how she was just pursuing a guy she liked and expresses her grave disappointment at “he was just being nice.”

This is what Tennov means when she talks about intense emotional lows. The final rejection doesn’t just hurt, it destroys. The “addict” has to face that her drug supply has been cut off, and the pain is unbearable.

How does one cope with a loss this devastating?

The Aftermath : Maidam, Ab Aap Kya Karengi?

After the clear, final rejection, the limerent brain takes one of four routes:

#1 Implode

Many people interpret the final rejection as sheer heartbreak and direct it inward. They resort to self-harm, binge drinking, other forms of substance abuse, and even ending their own lives.

#2 Sublimate

The creative types express their torment with art, poetry, and songwriting. Self-expression – whether authentic or exaggerated – helps people achieve catharsis. (That is probably how we got Emptiness by Rohan Rathore. And Tadap tadap ke iss dil se aah nikalti rahi. And God knows how many Bollywood songs.)

#3 Explode

Some people direct the anger and sadness outward, taking it all out on the limerent object. The intense “love” morphs to intense hate, followed by revenge. Sometimes even murder.

#4 Heal

Clear rejection is a blessing in disguise. Go no-contact/little-contact with the person, understand your own unmet needs, and slowly move the needle as you start living a more purposeful life. (Highly recommended.)

In the last scene of the series finale of season 1, we see that Pushpa has chosen option 3. (Oh God, why!)

Interesting. But Whose Fault Is It?

Through Pushpavalli’s journey, we learn what a limerent person’s actions look like and why. So far, this show has been a cautionary tale amidst a slew of Bollywood films that romanticize limerence.

In part 2 of this article series, I will pen down my thoughts on the cause of Pushpa’s limerence, red flags, actions, and how much Nikhil is to blame.

Until then, share this blog with the fans who have been starving for Pushpavalli season 3. If you have any suggestions, put it in the suggestion box. 😉